Why Anger Is Good For Us

Anger is without a doubt the emotion with the worst reputation. It provokes more fear, shame and attempts at suppression than all the others put together. More than 1 in 10 people report having a problem controlling their anger but less than 50% of those actually seek help. However anger, like all the emotions that we experience serves a vital function, we have evolved to experience it to enhance our survival. Anger alerts us to threats to our wellbeing (physical and psychological) and then motivates us to tackle them. It is not the experience of anger that is ever problematic but it is the way that we respond to this experience or the way that we express our anger. The expression of anger exists on a continuum, with passive expression and aggressive expression lying at the extreme points. As with all behaviour, the extremes always lead to potentially detrimental consequences so it is important to try and discover the response that lies at the midpoint, in the case of the expression of anger, assertive expression. This response to anger allows the consideration of both the expressors and recipients needs unlike the extreme behavioural points where one is prioritised over the other. As Lyman Abbott said “Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry”.
The Britsh CBT & Counselling Service

How To Fail - The Most Important LessonTo Teach Our Children

Encouraging competition and achievement is the cornerstone of capitalism and the foundation upon which western societies are built and as a result our fear of failure is frequently the biggest obstacle that we face when embarking upon new challenges . However, every psychological study of enhancing success says that if you want to help people have confidence and succeed you need to focus on their efforts, not the results and that being prepared and equipped to fail or to make mistakes is the only way that we can learn, develop and succeed as individuals. Of all the things that are taught in school, how to fail, possibly the most important lesson in life, is rarely included in the curriculum.

The Britsh CBT & Counselling Service

Excitement Can Be Addictive

Excitement can become addictive. For example, some researchers are concerned that children’s use of video games, particularly those that involve aggression, may be over stimulating the dopamine drive system. Each time the children score or a make a hit, their brains may be receiving little bursts of dopamine that stimulate their nervous systems. If you over stimulate the nervous system, when you withdraw the stimulant the person becomes easily bored, needing constant excitement to produce energy and they can become agitated and anxious if they don’t get their ‘fix’. Over stimulating the nervous system is dangerous at any age and can lead to addiction but it is especially dangerous when it occurs before the nervous system has fully developed.
The Britsh CBT & Counselling Service

When Are You Most Likely To Need Counselling

“The only thing in life that is constant is change” and change is a necessary part of our development as individuals. However change involves swapping what is familiar with what is not. This can be very unsettling and if we lack confidence in ourselves, the people around us or feel that the world is fundamentally unsafe than we may be ill equipped to deal with the transitions that life often demands that we make. It is at these times that our Achilles heel (whatever that may be) is most likely to become exposed and hinder our path through the transition. It is therefore at these times that we are most likely to need some kind of counselling to equip us with the skills necessary for us to move through to the next phase of our lives. The following life changes or transitions will be encountered by most of us at some point:
• Starting school/university
• Starting a new job/career
• Starting a new relationship/getting married
• Having children
• Facing the end of a relationship /divorce
• Loss/death of a loved one
• Moving home
• Retiring
• Discovering sexuality

The Britsh CBT & Counselling Service

How To Keep A Relationship Working

Relationship problems are often similar whatever type of relationship you are in. Here are some pearls to help you make it work over the longer term:

1. Communication

Talking about it is the only way to work something out. Human being are fundamentally inward focused and more importantly are not mind readers, if you don’t tell your partner what the problem is they won’t guess.

2. Compliment Don’t Criticise

Research has shown that the more the pendulum swings in the favour of compliments or criticism the more likely the relationship is to succeed.

3. Don’t Take Each Other For Granted

Express gratitude and appreciation as much as you can, if one of you feels they are being taken for granted this will quickly spiral into resentment, never an ingredient of a successful relationship

4. Compromise

In practical terms this involves the man accepting influence from his partner and the woman moderating her approach to seeking influence.

5. Accept That Sometimes You Are Being Unreasonable

Try not to become too entrenched in one position (e.g. martyr, victim) and try and step back and consider what you are contributing to the problem. Relationships involve 2 people, both of whom bring something to the equation.

6. Have A Life Outside Of The Relationship

Putting all of your eggs in one basket places an enormous amount of pressure on the relationship and leaves it feeling very 1 dimensional, after all, what is there to talk about if you are living in each others pockets!
The Britsh CBT & Counselling Service

Are We All Just Worried About The Same Thing?

It seems that our greatest fears and worries and the mental health problems that arise from them are underpinned in the most part by one of two key concerns, either a belief in our own worthlessness or a belief that we will be abandoned by those that we love. The extend to which we all hold these core beliefs depends on our early experiences and their influence on us on an ongoing basis will be determined by whether or not these beliefs have been triggered by our current experience. These beliefs can be broken down into the following specific concerns:

For a Core Belief of Worthlessness -

No man/woman I desire could love me once he/she saw my defects.
No one I desire would want to stay close to me if he/she knew the real me.
I’m unworthy of the love, attention, and respect of others.
I feel that I’m not lovable.
I am too unacceptable in very basic ways to reveal myself to people.
For a Core Belief of Abandonment -

I find myself clinging to people I’m close to because I am afraid they’ll leave me.
I need other people so much that I worry about losing them.
I worry that people I feel close to will leave me or abandon me.
When I feel someone I care for pulling away from me, I get desperate.
Sometimes I am so worried about people leaving me that I drive them away. (Young & Brown 2003)The Britsh CBT & Counselling Service

EMDR - Does It Work?

Heralded as a 'miracle cure', EMDR has an almost cult like following amongst some practitioners. Maybe it our wish to believe in the existence of a quick fix magical solution to our problems or just our fascination with the Victorian parlour trickery but few psychological treatments have received such remarkable attention, especially in the absence of a solid evidence base of it's effectiveness. Numerous controlled studies show that EMDR ameliorates symptoms of civilian PTSD better than doing nothing, but not a shred of good evidence exists that EMDR is superior to exposure-based treatments that CBT therapists have been administering routinely for decades. Paraphrasing British writer and critic Samuel Johnson, Harvard University psychologist Richard McNally nicely summed up the case for EMDR: “What is effective in EMDR is not new, and what is new is not effective".
The Britsh CBT & Counselling Service